This book is intensely simple, both jarring and comforting. I think about it frequently, reminding myself of its powerful wisdom: don’t assume, don’t take things personally, be impeccable with what I say, and always do my best. I often recommend it to others.
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz challenges us to pay attention to our inner voice. We absorb scripts and beliefs from others, often early in life, and accept them without question until life challenges us. Some help us; others hold us back, leaving us feeling judged, inadequate, and never quite good enough.
These are four agreements we can choose for ourselves.
1 Be impeccable with your word
Words matter. Tell the truth, say what you mean, and recognize how your words affect others—and yourself. This reminds me to choose words carefully, take responsibility for what I say, and correct myself when I misspeak.
2 Don’t take anything personally
This is the book’s most striking and challenging point for me. People see the world through their own experiences and beliefs. What they say and do is not about me. It's about them. I can consider their words and actions while taking responsibility for my response.
3 Don’t make assumptions
When groups set norms, someone often suggests, “Assume positive intent.” I’ve learned it’s best not to assume anything. Listen intently. Ask clear questions. Give others a chance to reveal themselves. Patient conversations can prevent a lot of misunderstanding.
4 Always do your best
What is our best changes with circumstances, from moment to moment and day to day. Make your best effort in each moment, then give yourself the grace of knowing you did your best. As my Dad says, “If you live in the past, you won’t have a future.” Dwelling on the past or future keeps us from living now.
These agreements remind me to speak carefully, ask before assuming, allow others to be themselves, and take responsibility for my own effort.